my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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