Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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