She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
