i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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