Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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