you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
