so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
