I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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