I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
