I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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