Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
