I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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