i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
