I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
