Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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