my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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