i barfeds in our rink
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize