His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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