What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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