listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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