I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
