KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
