I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
