Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
