There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
