I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
