I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
