a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
