My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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