Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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