I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
