I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
