genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
