I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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