i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
