Just fell off a train. Bad.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
