Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
