Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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