so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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