she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you traded sex for a burrito?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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