I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
