My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You took a bar mat shot.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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