the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize