I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize