Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we made out on top of his cat.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
