Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
