mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
