i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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