I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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