I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
