I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
