so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
