I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
