i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize