did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
