I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I want to be your penis for a week.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sorry about my life...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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