good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
